Your heart can break for many reasons. Your partner betrays you. You are unable to out run a child's disappointment. Your beloved dog is fading before your eyes.
Jenny is frosted and soft. Her gentle brown eyes are half closed much of the time. Her tail takes up a gentle rhythm at the sound of our voices. She seems contented although slightly confused, standing for long stretches of time in the same shadowy spot. She needs help getting down the few steps leading to the green grass beyond the front door. Her breathing has an unsettling rattle that a simple cough quiets, but she doesn't seem to know that. She is the gentlest creature we have ever known. I bury my nose in her ruff and ask the universe to be kind to her. To never let her know pain and to fill her with the knowing of how much she is loved. Sit with me, old girl, once again and watch the moon.
Wednesday
The rattle...that damned rattle. It wouldn't stop. It grew and grew and I was terrified. Terrified that she would become terrified. The steps to the green grass became impossible. The gentle, sleepy brown eyes were gone. They were replaced with exhausted, helpless eyes. She was caught between living and dying, unable to let go of the only familiar place she knew. We couldn't help her live but we could help her die, and that is what we did. We put our arms around her and on her own bed in the house she knew so well, we and the sweet doctor helped her die. I clipped a lock of hair from her soft belly and they took her away. I want her back again. I want her back, but I couldn't promise her she wouldn't be afraid, so I had to let her go.
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